When we find a partner or we meet someone who seems to have potential to be our future mate unconsciously we draw a picture in our imagination about how our future together will look like. In this picture our tricky mind plays the game or “Let’s make him/her fit in our lives”.
(From now on I will talk about “him” as I am talking about my own experience as a heterosexual woman. But I want to say that I respect any kind of relationship based on love and free consent from both parts).
Along all my life, every time when I was meeting a guy that I was attracted to I was gathering “important” information as possible about him (trying to not to look like a crazy-desperate woman, even though many times I was clearly desperate to find the RIGHT ONE).
With this information I was able to create a picture of our lives together.
The process was more or less as follows:
The first step was to gather the right-important-information: Is he in a relationship? what does he like to do? how he was spending his time, does he want to have a family?
Most of the time there was something like “he loves football and to watch TV sports”. At this point my breath stopped. And just one second after this realization in my mind appeared the neutralizing sentence: “but he likes also travelling”. And then my breath was releasing again and the smile came back to my face. “Ok, it is not that bad, I will deal with it”. (even though I didn’t even want to have a TV in my life at all).
This process repeated again and again with different discrepancies I was finding.
Then, the second step was to go back to my feelings, usually checking: Do I see myself loving him? Will we be able to build a healthy family and relationship together? (Besides the football and the fact that I don’t want to have TV in my house…) “Yes! Probably we will manage!”, said my mind in action again. “He is a good guy, we feel clear attraction for each other… Yes! We will manage”.
Then I could concentrate in how we were sharing things like some hobbies (traveling, going out with friends…) For one of my relationships which latest almost 5 years I honestly cannot think of more than these 2 shared hobbies. We shared also some visions about life: we both wanted to have successful professional careers (in the same field) and have kids one day.
But there were also many places we didn’t share.
At this point, before continuing I would like to add that I really respect all the guys I had relationships with. It didn’t work and now I can see clearly why and why with none of the ones that were potentials to be one of my future partners would have worked.
The picture was: “Ok, there are things that we cannot stick even using the best superglue, but there are others that are not that bad and there are some that we can really enjoy together. It is true that he has not my life rhythm but probably it would be good for me to have the experience of chilling out a bit more and not to try to do everything… For sure it would be an experience!! Why not to try? I am not losing anything! and for sure I will learn from the experience. Over all It looks ok”, I was repeating to myself. “It would not be better with someone else. There will always be things you like and things you don’t. And he will think the same about you. So, don’t try to find the prince! You will be lucky if you find a frog instead of a pig!!!”
Suddenly I could see myself changing my priorities, moving aside of my life things that I really liked. “I really don’t need so much that walks on the forest, to go to have nice dinners in nice restaurants is also a nice experience, I can also go for walks with friends if he doesn’t want to come. Or maybe I can change them for trips to Italy. I really like pasta!! The TV… well, I don’t want it as part of my life but I know he really loves to watch sports on TV… Not EVERY SPORTS, just “almost EVERY SINGLE ONE”. Ok, maybe we can keep the TV in the corner of the living room and not to turn it on. It will always be more interesting to talk than to watch it. Maybe he will realize with the time”.
The result: Hello TV.
“Well… I know he likes politics, actually he is very charismatic and he knows about many things. I can talk to him about so many topics! It is true that about politics, I would like them to stay out of my life but he wants to be “informed”.. Ok, maybe if I use ear plugs…”
The result: Hello politics.
The result: Hello ear plugs (I didn’t need you since University, here I am again coming back to you…).
Along the time with him I continued growing, I kept moving forward, changing, finding new paths, finding out that Marketing would give me money and success but… it was empty.
“Well I know I want to grow, change, move, fly… maybe it is not worth it what Marketing is giving me. That success concept maybe is not as solid as they sold me and I believed. Actually is not bringing anything to my life except money and a specific “respectable” idea of others about me. Maybe is not that important at the end…”
“Well, now I know that I want to grow, develop, find my real place: the place that will support me to smile more than cry or be stressed out”.
In his case, the only word in his life that was including development was the tag of the next medicine he needed to take: When you DEVELOP a cold…
Again I could see how the picture of our relationship in which I was trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle was becoming something I wasn’t sure I liked. But we were together, and we were enjoying travelling… Italy will always be there… and the pasta, of course!
This process happened to me one partner after another.
In some of the relationships there was no TV, but computer or endless books that were separating us from one another for hours. Or a VERY IMPORTANT hobby of his that was life or death.
Now I can see that it didn’t matter so much who was the partner.
I even changed the “type” of guy I liked from Alfa to Omega… Nothing. There was always something that was not fitting. And it is not that I don’t want to be flexible in order to create something together.
What was happening was that in order to be with him I needed to become a different person.
And even more, it looked like the picture in which we were living and “creating” our relationship was a stagnant picture closed by limited frames in which, in order to add something you needed to take other things out. If not there would not be enough space.
There was no creation together. Just watching the creation of others: movies, Theater…
At the end it was like seeing others making love but not doing it ourselves…
Before finishing, I would like to send you a challenge. At the time all of these was happening in my life I was not able to see or recognise even 1% of what I described in this post. If I would have read this post back then, I would have not been able to say: “Hey! This is what is really happening to me!!“. Instead I would have thought about the author: “poor girl, she doesn’t know how to choose a partner. I am sharing much more things with mine!“.
I don’t want to destroy any relationship or show that my relationship is good and not the relationship of the other people. It is not my intention at all. The only thing I would like is to open new possibilities of things and options in couples. And show that sometimes we live in the illusion of a nice partnership and it takes us a long time to realise that it is not that good or that we can add things that will make it nicer and more enjoyable. There is another way to build a relationship that no one taught us before. But this is a topic for another post.
Well so the challenge is: check in your relationship how many times you create something with your partner together and how many times you watch the creation of others instead of you both creating together.
Let’s start with this and let’s see what happen!
I will continue with the second part of this blog very soon!
With love and light!
TO BE CONTINUED… very soon!